Is anger the opposite of kindness?
In the re-make of Disney’s Cinderella from 2015, the definition of
kindness is clear: you must never get angry with others. The film depicts the heroine,
Ella, as she controls her anger and remains kind no matter the amount of mistreatment she endures.
As a reward for her diligent kindness, a
fairy godmother and a prince come to Ella’s rescue and she soon becomes Queen
of the kingdom.
In light of Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on
“self-compassion,” this construction of kindness teaches audiences (mainly
children) to expect external rewards for ignoring their feelings and remaining
passive in painful circumstances.
As Dr. Neff’s definition of kindness shows,
sometimes getting angry is the only sustainable way to embody kindness – in no
small part because doing so encompasses kindness toward the self.
Defining
self-compassion
A scale to measure self-compassion was
first created by Dr. Neff in 2003 when she split the concept into three
components: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Dr. Neff uses the
term mindfulness to describe the act of acknowledging and accepting our
feelings when we find ourselves in a given painful situation. Without
mindfulness, we would not be able to address suffering because we would be
ignoring (either consciously or unconsciously) our feelings.
Common humanity refers to accepting that
suffering is part of the human experience – it is what allows us to not feel
isolated in our pain.
Finally, self-kindness is the wish to
alleviate our suffering and do what is necessary to change our situation.
Kindness = putting
your own needs second?
Let’s
first look at the mindfulness component of self-compassion and how Cinderella’s version of kindness opposes
it.
In the film, Ella receives a “golden
childhood” from her parents and because of this happy upbringing, she puts
aside her own needs to meet those of others. Ella is so full of love from her
childhood that she can give it out to others who are incapable of love. Containing
her anger is considered “kind.” As her mother tells her, “have courage and be
kind.”
While there is nothing wrong with “having
courage” and “being kind,” it becomes clear as the film progresses that Ella’s
understanding of these concepts keeps her from facing reality.
When Ella’s father marries another woman
and she and her step-daughters move in, Ella remembers the words of her mother
– bravery means meeting these people with compassion and understanding. Even
though her step-mother looks down on her, Ella does not take this to heart. After
the death of her father, Ella then becomes the maid of the house and her new
step-mother manipulates her into moving up in the attic. She is the recipient
of spiteful comments from her new family, who ill-use her and rename her “Cinderella.”
Still, Ella is kind toward them and accepts her new role in the house without
complaint.
Cinderella
pretends everything is OK
As
Ella performs all the household chores and endures her new family’s abuse, she
only feebly acknowledges that her situation is hard. A talk with a friend, a
horse ride in the forest, and a good cry near the well are all important scenes
because they show her letting her emotions out in frustration about the
unfairness of her situation. In a sense, they are moments that embody Dr.
Neff’s concept of mindfulness.
However,
for the most part, Ella represses her dissatisfaction with her step-mother’s
treatment of her. In one scene, for instance, the family is seated in the
dining room while Ella serves breakfast. Ella is about to take her seat when
her step-mother asks her to return to the kitchen, stating that “it seems too
much to expect you to prepare breakfast, serve it, and still sit with us.
Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella? Or should I say Cinderella?”
Ella
makes a grimace, then bites the sour apple and does as told. The viewer can see
the mental work Ella goes through, of first having a natural response and then controlling
this emotion in order to execute the step-mother’s order. She doesn’t allow
herself to get angry or show her natural response.
In
effect, Ella doesn’t address her own suffering, the first component of Dr.
Neff’s definition of self-compassion. She pretends everything is fine as it is.
Cinderella passively endures her
situation
Since Ella does not acknowledge that her
situation is difficult, she cannot take steps to change it.
When
her step-mother locks her up in the attic, Ella lets it happen without a fight. Instead of trying
to escape, she sits down on the windowsill and sings.
Her
understanding of “kindness” prevents her from taking action to alleviate her
own pain, the third element of self-compassion. She thinks that putting herself
first would be unkind.
Don’t
get angry and you shall go to the ball
The moment Ella acknowledges that her
situation must change, her Fairy Godmother magically appears. Lucky for Ella,
her Fairy Godmother helps her go to a royal ball where Ella meets the prince.
Ella is later saved by this same prince
when she is sitting in the attic singing. He helps her out of the grip of the
evil stepmother.
In the film, it is therefore not necessary
for Ella to take active action on her own side to change her situation.
Whenever she needs help, others come to her rescue.
As a result, the film’s message seems all
the more strong: be kind toward others, don’t get angry, endure mistreatment,
and you will be rewarded by external forces.
The
courage to be self-kind
Instead of “having courage” and “being
kind” enough to let others have their way, as Ella does, we should celebrate
having the courage to be kind toward ourselves. Kindness for the self is a courageous
act. The easy thing is to ignore what is happening and letting the status quo
run its course.
Looking at Cinderella in this way invites the question -- what would the world
look like if children looked up to characters who stand up for themselves and
embrace self-compassion?
Would it be a world where children grow up
knowing that anger, felt and expressed in a loving way, can be a form of kindness?